You feel so much like the victim, and you Really don’t want to feel like a victim. Which makes you feel worse. This time it was Mother’s Day, but it could be your birthday, gift giving holiday, another big bruhaha. And it didn’t happen for you! No damn celebration of who you are, what you do, what you give! The kids blew it off, or your honey (not today) did. What they got you if they got you anything was insulting rather than heart fulfilling. They didn’t clean the house, cook you a special meal or even say Thank You! in a way that you could feel.
It So Sucks!..... I remember and I’m writing this blog because I want to give you that Love You So Deserve. Unfortunately it isn’t the same; as it would have been if they’d just woken up and been thoughtful and loving. But I So want to give this to you. It took me so many years, lost relationships, aching hearts, years where grieving pissiness would slap me upside the head - just when I wasn’t expecting it to gain these insights. So hope this helps.
The bad news, you’ve heard it over and over, but bummer, it really is real:
“You can’t get anybody to do anything [no matter how much you need, plead, become a hollow shell, yell - Or Deserve It], whether it is clean the house, pick up their clothes, get you a card, or plan you a special event. You just can’t get them to do it because you Really Really want them to…”
If you nag enough there is a one in ten chance they might do it the next time, maybe. But then there is all that nagging on your heart, in your relationship, makes you feel well - negative. Or you keep quiet about it until the resentment bubbles right up your throat and right out your mouth. And then you are stuck with being in a worse situation than you were before - doubling doomed. You were feeling bad, you expressed it and that made you feel worse, and then depending upon their reaction, and in my experience it usually was an argument or a fight, damn, much worse.
Let me say right here however, ‘YOU DESERVE IT!” Whatever little or big thing you had hoped for, whatever silly or sweet expression of love you desired, you deserve it. You do so much. You work so hard. You care so much. It is hard. It really is! Being a Mom is a huge big job, virtually thankless, it is unrelentless too. Just keeps going until you die. But whether or not they show it everyone wants that to be when you are 101 plus (as long as you are relatively healthy).
Now for the Good News: You, yes you, can get to the point where you don’t care. Not that you don’t care about them or yourself, but you really don’t care if they live up to your hopes, your expectations. You can get to the point where you actually think the whole thing is amusing and you can be at peace. Honest.
Note: It does not make you feel better to hold on to the resentment. They may deserve it but right now what we care about is You! Resentment, sadness and bitterness just makes you feel crappy, doesn’t actually impact your loved ones. Even if they feel guilt - that feels lousy too and is not likely to make them more pleasant to be around.
You can feel Peace and eventually Joy! That is what I want for you, and to feel gratitude for the fact that you are Alive and have anyone at all to feel pissy about. The only reason I feel qualified to go here is that I spent 34 years learning about this, practicing all the unworkable emotions, neglected negotiations, destroyed dreams. My hope is that if I tell you what I learned it will make a difference for you. You probably already know this, but maybe today you need to hear it again.
Nobody else can make you happy or sad - really. Your thoughts trigger chemicals that create your emotions - or sometimes an emotion will click in a whole bunch of practiced thoughts. But they are your thoughts and emotions. You are the only person that can examine them and decide if this thought, that emotion makes you feel well, alive, more at peace. I’m betting you want to feel happy more than you want to hold onto your gripes, more than your entitlement. If not well….
There are all sorts of ways to examine your thoughts. Bryon Katie’s The Work is brilliant, and everything to do it is right online. Eckhart Tolle’s pain body paradigm in The Power of Now made sense of my totally out of control menstrual rants. Michael Singer’s book The Untethered Soul was the most illuminating for me. When he talks about the voice in your head that just won’t shut up, that keeps arguing, that is crazy, well I got That. Whatever works for you. Meditation helps alot - if you can carve out the time - even Deepak and Oprah’s 20 minutes. It is just so important to remember not to believe your thoughts! They are just thoughts. They are not Truth (if so perhaps you have a new career as an oracle unfolding). And emotions change, move, roll on if we let them. It will be better later, honest.
And they are not your fault! Remember Dear you are human. That is the game we are all playing. You are doing the very best you can and evolving as a perfectly lovely human being! Human Beings get pissy, sad, mad, believe their thoughts, get in arguments, yell at their loved ones, sulk and fuss. We love drama and have deep real feelings. At the end of the day we are all doing the best we can, that day.
We all want fun and a break from the work, the stress. I’ve been thinking how easy it is to have fun when we are children. Holidays were exciting and our parents made them special (maybe). We had fun taking a walk and looking at the pretty flowers, throwing rocks into the stream, digging up dirt, swinging on the swing, talking with friends for hours, kicking the ball, playing games, dancing. Those might be fun now.
At 65 I’m still trying to figure out how the adult me likes to play, what makes me feel good, how to switch out of sad or madness. That is your job too - figure out how to take care of yourself well enough that how others take care of you doesn’t matter. Give yourself a break, literally, a cup of tea, a massage, a walk by yourself, write a blog, soak it in - whatever makes you feel renewed, refreshed, amused by the intricacies of life. So much so that whatever they do, or don’t do, doesn’t really matter - because you can and will give yourself peace.
Maria Muldaur came to Nelson last weekend, Sept. 26 and 27th and played at the local Royal Grill. It was a rather small intimate older venue. We heard that Saturday night rocked. It was pretty quiet and subdued Sunday when my friend Kathryn and I went. MARIA CHANGED MY LIFE!!! I bought two of her CDs (well one was a set-so three). A bit of that was because I felt sortof bad there were only 40 to 50 people there - for this amazing, fantastic, still going strong Live in person dynamic singer and her band. Best Things I've bought in years.
You have to understand all my life I've gotten my music from whomever I happened to be with. My parents were first with the big bands and Andy Williams, WLW radio and Perry Como. My paternal grandfather, who I almost never met, gave me a little radio for my 13th birthday. My Mother hated that he did that. I'm not sure I found my own radio stations... So much never occurred to me.
When I started dating and marrying I listened to my men's music. Martin was the best. He has an eclectic taste in music, literature and art. I didn't need my own music - he had plenty to go around. By the time we split up and I stopped listened to the cassette tapes inherited or bought I was beginning to prefer to have quiet around me. Except when I was working in my jewelry studio then I would let my country music side roar.
And Jimmy Buffet - OK somewhere I still have a bunch of JB cassettes - and I've still kept a radio/cassette player just for that. A few years ago Robin turned me on to Pandora and then Jango. LOVE JANGO streams in Canada. When I'm up here I can find music I like that way.
But going to Maria's Live Performance and seeing this 72 year old woman singing with a clear strong juicy voice and looking hot, sexy and ALIVE I realized I'd been missing out on live music all these years. Her multi-media slideshow that went along with her show was awesome. I was deeply moved by her willingness to put images of her gorgeous younger self, at all ages, up there. If you are over 50 you get it. Getting older isn't easy especially for a woman - in this world that values young beauty. But Maria was a shining star in that regard. And she is such a proponent of live music. You can tell by her schedule and show that she has been performing weekly for years. She's produced forty albums in about the same number of years. I just looked at her website http://www.mariamuldaur.com/discography.html and she's also an activist! Just like the rest of us - really wants to Save Our Planet! Wake Us Up! Oh Yeah! loving your music. Thrilled with my CDs, will be buying more. FOR GREAT UPBEAT GOOOOOOD MUSIC TREAT YOURSELF TO AN ALBUM!!!
THANKS MARIA you started a whole new phase for me - at almost 65 - a whole new thing to look forward to - to be appreciative of - to ENJOY! Music - never to late to ENJOY! P.S. Today is Chavin Kinti's 1st birthday - think I'll play her I'm A Woman - one of those songs (besides Midnight at the Oasis, that formed my life). I still think I can do it ALL! XOX
Click on a picture and you will go to Maria's Tour schedule or Bio. XOX
I live in a cohousing community in southeastern BC. It is a new community and There Is So Much to do! And it is late summer, people have been traveling, some committees are just getting going. Gosh our Common House isn’t even done yet. Nor the path from one side of the community to the other.
And I’m a newbie and an American at that. My voice carries – I blame that part on Italian genetics and maybe voice lessons as a kid. But I’ve been around the block group wise – The Artist Gallery – a cooperative gallery of over 40 artists in Flagstaff, AZ; the Great Peace March for Global Nuclear Disarmament (that was a Trip); teaching both high school and elementary school; women’s groups out the yin-yang. WORKING IN GROUPS IS A SPIRITUAL EDUCATION UNLIKE ANYTHING ELSE I KNOW!
This post is an attempt to articulate one layer of what I see occur occasionally. Conflict happens – perhaps actually between individuals, or just an internal dialogue one person (me perhaps) has within about a situation, action, Something that someone has done. They just didn’t Do It the Right Way… or at all… or went 180 from the way I think they should have gone. I can create dissension in my heart and perhaps in my group by holding that position. And maybe what someone did is really against my preference.
But when did making someone wrong ever succeed in doing anything? No really think about it in your life. Other than making you feel temporarily – and I do mean temporarily, Superior. Does making someone wrong – within yourself, or within a family, group, organization, country ever Really help the situation? Does it make you feel loving or empowered? [note: I’m not talking about serial killers here I’m talking about someone relatively close to you pissing you off.]
I have a solution. I realize hundreds of long books have been written on this, and this is just an early blog of mine – but I do have a potential solution. What if we frame the whole situation in a different way? What if we are curious? What if we Forgive that person for not being us and consider it a QUESTION OF STYLE.
“People very rarely set out to cause upset – they just behave differently because they are different.” Business colleges have classes, workshops and degrees teaching how to work with this.
DIFFERENT: Different personality types, ala Meyers Briggs, different generational groups, ala Boomer, Gen X, Millennials, and now Gen Z, different enneagrams (check this one out for fun), different astrological signs etc. We are different from each other (duh) but what I feel is important to talk about is that we each have a preferred style of doing what we do.
I’m going to end this rather quickly – Life has come up and hopefully I’ve made my point or will try to make it better later. Let’s give each other a break, realize that it might be Style rather than Error. Whatever framing of the situation helps me open my heart, forgive perceived errors and actually be curious about the situation is what I want my style to be!
Back in 1988 I ran across a book called “The Three Minute Meditator.” Life was super busy, Robin was 6. I was starting a new job and plotting a move to some property in the country. Undeveloped is a nice word for no-running-anything. It didn’t feel like I had time to breathe much less meditate. This book taught me that I could stop – stop the mind movie, focus on how my body felt or my breathe or just what was around me. Ahha…. All at a stop light.
Many many books, workshops, experiences brought me along. “The Power of Now” was the next really BIG one that disconnected mind from thought. Eckhart Tolle expanded my thoughts about thoughts and gave me a Huge gift with the concept of pain body. (But that’s another post….).
But “The Untethered Soul” by Michael Singer was the crème de la crème. My copy is festooned with underlines and highlights in 6 or 7 colors. Every time I read it I find another treasure.The following parsed quote from Michael’s book was the AHHA for me about thinking.
“The first you will notice about this your voice (in your head) is that it never shuts up. You do hear it when it talks, don’t you? Make it say “hello” right now. Say it over and over a few times.” (IMPORTANT HERE:) There is a voice talking, and there is you who notices the voice talking… But it’s difficult to see that no matter what the voice says, it is still just a voice talking AND YOU LISTENING. There is nothing more important to true growth than realizing that you are not the voice of the mind – you are the one who hears it.”
My life really started to change when I “got” it. First there was the concept of just because I thought something – that didn’t make it true or real or anything. It was just something that I thought for some reason or other – programming, culture, parents, school, a belief I use to like but maybe have outgrown, or perhaps a new idea that I’m intrigued with.
Then after I realized that maybe all of my thoughts weren’t true – nor the emotions the thoughts caused I ran across Byron Katie. She came to Flagstaff, Arizona years ago… What a treat to see her in person. And she has The Work. Which is a grand way to deconstruct a thought. Give it a try. Especially when you are just Positive that somebody is wrong, behaving badly, or just plain out to get you.
IT’S JUST A PRACTICE. Life is a practice. Life is Play! We are here to learn and grow and Love. So I have to remind myself not to take my thoughts too seriously, or my thoughts about my thoughts, or my “work” around my thoughts, (goes on…..). But it is nice to practice “Not Believing Everything I Think….”.
Okay, I admit the title of this is to hook you. You searched Google for Abundance, or maybe manifesting and ran across this post. And you want the steps, the HOW TOs to create the Life you want. You want to bring more money into your life! You want freedom and abundance and happiness. Love, appreciation, security, stress-free living.
I am here to tell you it can happen. Today – Honest! You Can Do IT! that’s the good news. The interesting and really useful bad news is – it isn’t what or how you think. Do you still think that stuff is going to make you happy?
I’m going to simplify this lots. And I’m not saying this is really easy to do. But it gets easier. It isn’t the stuff that you likely think will make you feel: happy, successful, relaxed, safe, free, worthy, fulfilled, generous, open, respected, energetic, etc. Track it back – double dare you! If you write out all the things you want to manifest and then write out the whys. Distill it all down. I’m betting that what you will find is that the things you think you want Peace On Earth (safety), Clean Environment (security), Money (either of the other two or the ability to get more stuff – or maybe Fun). All of the things we want lead back to WAYS WE WANT TO FEEL. Loved – Loving.
You can Feel That Way Right Now! Really – give it a try. Come on – isn’t LIFE AN EXPERIMENT? (Yup!!!)
Start by writing down what you want – the stuff. Then write down how you think it will make you feel. This is where really paying attention to yourself is so useful. You have a Lot to tell yourself. Then start writing a Huge Big Gratitude list for all the things in your life right now that your are grateful for, that make your feel the way you want. Even if just a little. Imagine feeling enthusiasm, notice when you do. Imagine feeling joy, decide what feeling joy is for you (it has always been a bit tricky for me – enthusiasm I get – joy – it is quieter more subtle I have to pay attention more closely inside to catch it). And Love – have to admit – that is such a big overused word. Gosh we know we love, we know we’ve been loved but how do I feel it. Well I find that KINDNESS – I can feel kindness Much More Easily. Kindness for myself, kindness to others, kindness to critters, the planet, things. I love (smile) being kind to my car, Flow. It can just be patting the dash when I get in – but she knows that I appreciate what a great job she has done for over 200,000 miles and we don’t intend an end in sight!
As you write your gratitudes and feel appreciation for all the blessings that you have I know that you will start to feel the safety or enthusiasm or fun that were your bottom line goals for manifesting. Practice gratitude daily, practice noticing when you feel abundant, happy and free. Focus on noticing the feelings that are your true wealth and they will grow and your cup will run over.
Blessings and May You Thrive!
Abraham a good review of emotions
Huge! Hope has been a huge gift to me. My daughter has been giving me hope her whole life. Friends, books, workshops, speakers, churches, art classes-projects-processes, NATURE, scenery, Drives (guilty pleasure – one of many). Many things have given me hope over the years. Now my son-in-law and granddaughter, the cohousing community in BC I get to spend time at, my little studio in Sandpoint, my cats, my LIFE give me great hope.
Hope is the gift I’d like to give to you today! One thing I know for sure – thanks Oprah – is that LIFE IS GETTING BETTER EVERY DAY! Despite the media – which I stay as far away from as possible – avoiding even Yahoo on the way into some of my emails – My Life and the Life of most of the people I know is getting better every day. In measurable ways! More connection to other people, more willingness to step out a bit and meet folks, more bravery to have a little fun.
Many years ago I read a book by Willis Harman “Global Mind Change.” First published in 1988, it was the first time I ever read that a change of consciousness had the potential, in fact it was the only potential that could really change the world. It was the first book that articulated for me the limit that science has to solving all the problems – especially those caused (aren’t they all) by human emotions. Just being human.
Twenty seven years later and OMG Willis would be So Thrilled with “The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know is Possible” by Charles Eisenstein. He takes the expansion of human consciousness and heart and weaves them with great kindness into a story that we can believe in. The story has many paradoxes, isn’t painted out in detail, has lots of potential for co-creation. The disasters, grief and challenges of planet Earth and her peoples are not ignored. In fact they are everywhere. But the how and what to do and how to be to make it all better; to know it is already all better, are in the book also.
TRUST that there is a loving universe behind the holographic chaos (my words not his) and have great HOPE that every day in every way – it is all Beautiful.
I'm almost 65, I don't know WTF anymore. In my generation we looked for a book, took a class, found an expert - somebody Anybody out there that could tell us How To Do It so that we did it Right.
So more than anything this is an experiment. I've been wanting to write forever. Probably since I had my first poem published in the local newspaper at 8. (Of course I have a copy of the paper somewhere). And I have poetry and websites (see links above). I long to put it together. I long to have it make a difference. But more than anything it is so much FUN! (And gives me the opportunity to procrastinate freezing the peaches).
Today is the first of September 2015. Such a good day to begin anew. Wayne Dyer passed away within the last couple of days and I found out today. Somehow that is significant of the times. I dug and found Heather Blakey, A writer, teacher, techie who has been my heroine for years. Her Descansos on Soul Food Cafe is a writing prompt having to do with the liminal moments in our life, the deaths and ways not taken. That is curious and interesting because I'm planning on taking Liminal Life Writing with Rayya Liebich at the end of October. It feels like I'm pulling the threads together.
I'm back on my Food Protocol Cleanse and at the weight I was when I paused on July 29 (after bad flu). Isn't that cool? This is significant for me because it is a completely new approach to losing weight, eating, life. And It's working! More on this soon but I will say that I'm taking herbal drops that make it very easy. I've lost 26 lbs so far and my goal is to lose that much more this round. Wonderful thing (besides not being hungry or depleted) is that in between rounds I'm learning what my body actually likes to eat and what makes it bloat up like a water balloon (alcohol).
I'm reading a book called "The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know is Possible" See this is why I have to do this online, in WP. My life - like everyone else's is So post post modern. Interconnected - woven - RICH - crazy - busy - going down the stream FAST. Let's Celebrate!
What if we could Trust? That it is all OK. That there is a Kind, Loving Universe out there. That I can write, that I have something to say that will pour out of me if I just find the right venue. So I've decided that this multi-media platform that allows me to link to my Pinterest, and favorites is the way to go! Can add my favorites! And report that at the end of day "Everyone is doing the Best they can!" as Christie Marie Sheldon says.